Thursday, April 10, 2014

Officials Urge Public to Change Locks After Thieves Steal NSA’s Copy of Everyone’s House Keys

Amid swirling public concern regarding internet security breaches and password failsafes, consumer advocates were alarmed to learn Thursday that physical locks may also now be compromised, after reports circulated late Wednesday that hackers had gained access to a secret room where the National Security Administration keeps a key to every home in America. “This is a very serious situation,” said NSA chief General Keith Alexander. “Not only is the security of countless Americans potentially at risk, but this theft has also compromised the NSA’s ability to enter anyone’s house whenever we feel like it.”

Indeed, this key repository has been viewed by many as a cornerstone of the NSA’s spying programs, which infamously gathered meta data on millions of people worldwide. “This key repository greatly facilitated those efforts,” said Gen. Alexander. “Without the ability to enter peoples’ homes, crucial security data on what TV shows people are watching, and what color underwear they like to wear might never have been recorded.”

The hackers perpetrated the bold raid Tuesday night, gaining access to the room with false security credentials, and were able to escape due to an NSA oversight whereby the key to every door in the NSA headquarters was also present in the room.

“We had the thieves contained to one wing of the building,” said Alexander, “But when we breached the wing, we saw that they had simply unlocked the back door and walked out using the key from inside the repository.”

“This room was designated only for storage of the keys of citizen homes,” he went on to add, “And so we are currently investigating this breach of policy.”

“We hope that this incident will raise public awareness about the importance of security,” said Alexander. “If measures aren’t taken to correct these types of problems, soon the public might have to worry that someone other than the NSA has unlimited access to their homes.”

“That is a world that I never want to live in,” the general added gravely.

“We encourage all Americans to be vigilant, but also to change their locks immediately, and to send a copy of the new key to NSA headquarters,” said Gen. Alexander.

He went on to add that the NSA had, for public convenience, already made arrangements to acquire the copied keys directly from the locksmiths, in case anyone forgets to send them in.

(Disclaimer: This has been my first piece of Onion-style satirical, fictional news. I hope you enjoyed it)

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